UNDERNEATH IT ALL

Impromptu blog post coming at ya with yet another cheesy James Patterson title! Would you have it any other way? Doesn't matter. That is how I am doing things these days. On the fly. Oddly enough, I really hate doing things that way, but it is what it is right now peeps! Eventually I will get my "blogging" act together and start planning posts, growing a following, being more consistent etc-- but I get overwhelmed thinking about that right now so- just FYI it's a desire but not a priority at the moment. Real life example of my life, I am sitting here with a list of 24254 things to do but I decided I wanted to write a blog post instead. So, nobody feel bad for me or anything because I am 100% doing it to myself. Anyways, this is a bit of a segway into what I wanted to share so bare with me as I get to my point.

I think there's a connection between HOW YOU FEEL on the inside and HOW YOU APPEAR on the outside. The two could look the same or they could look drastically different depending on what you're going through or how you decide to manage it. Stick with me here because that might sound weird or shallow sounding... I will explain.

I don't know about you, but when I feel out of control on the inside or highly anxious, insecure or even sad, I try and clean myself up on the outside as best I can so that it may "offset" whatever I am going through internally. I feel like it will trick my brain into thinking--if I LOOK put together, I will FEEL put together. Here's the kicker though, I also want everyone on the outside to see me as the opposite of what I am feeling. So shallow, I know, I wouldn't write this so honestly if I didn't know beyond a shadow of a double AT LEAST 50% of you (which is a conservative estimate) do this too. It's possible it's done unknowingly, but it truly is a "thing" especially when it comes to social media as it is so stinking easy to control what we portray.

Caroline- stop rambling and talking in circles and get to the point of what you're saying instead of trying to just call everyone out for being shallow fakers at life. 

Ok. 

Today started out bad as I accidentally slept in and Cambelle was almost late getting to school. I was the mom running her pre-k kiddo (who's book bag is half her size slapping against her back) into the school... in pajamas, without shoes on, and with my hair in a messy bun. A messy SCRUNCHIE bun. Oh yea guys. I am the real deal. I won't get into the list of "to do's" that I have, but for some reason today the weight of life has just gotten to me and I have felt super anxious, stressed out, cranky and ill equipped to be what I need to be for everyone in my life. Anyone else in relation say "I". 

So I got myself together on the outside. A little extra effort today because I felt so bad on the inside. I ran by the UPS store to return a package and the lady behind the counter commented on my outfit and how "pretty" I was. That made me feel good. It's always nice to get a sincere compliment from a complete stranger. It affirmed me for the 30 seconds I was in the store, but on the way out I teared up. Truth is, on the inside I didn't feel pretty AT ALL. I feel insecure, anxious and unable to manage an internal world that I "should" have control over by now. Counseling has helped me manage some of the shameful emotions, but it's hard to control every day. Today was just a weak day for me with all of that. 

I AM NOT shaming myself or anyone else for wanting to look "put together" or put effort into the outside appearance. Good Lord, of all people... that would make me the most hypocritical person on the planet. I am just trying to use this as an example of perception. I want to bring it back to the "perspective" thing I was talking about the other day. We literally have NO IDEA what people are going through as we encounter them through out the day or how they are choosing to deal with whatever it is they're going through. When you see a picture perfect photo of someone on instagram or you run into a mom with 5 well-behaved kids and a tight booty to go along with it, assuming they're perfect or put together on the inside is a DECEPTION. As I was thinking on this, I realized that our brains are only able to account for and fully experience what WE ALONE are feeling. Somehow, because of that, we are easily deceived into thinking that WE ARE ALONE and no one else struggles with the things we are struggling with.

*We too easily isolate ourselves in our internal world and don't consider that the vast majority of humanity is in the same boat.*

How to battle this? Well, I am still figuring that out as I go. I just wanted to encourage anyone who is reading this to try and keep it on the forefront of your mind to CONSIDER what's underneath it all. When walking around at the store, or scrolling through your newsfeed. When you feel the sense of jealousy or comparison rise up, remember the truth can almost always not be seen. EVERYONE is going through SOMETHING. I think if we can put this lens on through out our day, it can help us walk in more compassion for others and inevitably improve our instinct to judge. 

That is all for today. I actually feel better after getting some thoughts out. It's crazy how expression from the inside out can make such a difference! Now I must go tackle the bajillion things. Love you guys.

xo- Caro