From Surviving to Thriving

2018 was a lot.

I did Real Estate school, passed my exam + became an agent. Spent the majority of the year figuring out what building a personal business meant and was completely grounded when I realized how much work it would take to get “off the ground”. Call me crazy for doing all of this with 3 kids under 5, you’re probably right.

Drew (my husband) has been growing his consulting/coaching business since 2016, but this year has been the most extreme growing pains we have had so far.

I’ve grown my blog little bits here and there all in the small shreds of time I conjured up in between other mom + wife + work responsibilities.

Cambelle started Kindergarten and West turned 1.

We went to Hawaii and spent way too much money, probably should have done Mexico in hindsight and waited until we were millionaires to thrown down on the beaches of Wailea. Live and learn, yall…

I finally got surgery to get out the infamously misplaced IUD. Ended up making an ornament out of it and had all the feels that if it weren’t for the mishap of the century- I wouldn’t have my sweet boy.

Through all of it- I battled depression, some hormonal stuff but mainly just text book clinical depression. I say the word battled, but I feel like it’s won me over a good bit this past year.

I am so sure there are plenty of other “things” that “happened” this year, but those are the highs and lows I could think of off the top of my head… or if I am completely honest, all I could think of in the amount of time I currently have to jot down this post. West will wake from his nap at minute.

I did want to write today though. I started this blog in 2017 with the intention to write. Writing is therapeutic for me and it helps me a lot when I fall into the depression spiral… can we talk about how many actual journal entries I have done this past year? 4. Writing is vulnerable.. takes time and thought… and my depression makes me want to avoid, deflect and distract. That is why writing is so good for me to do, because it forces me to go against those things. So, what I am trying to say is, I haven’t been head on dealing with a lot of my inner life. Another deterrent is reading that “blogs” are going “out.” AKA, nobody reads them anymore. So, why put the work into it when nobody is going to read it? … But is that the goal? I don’t even know what the goal is or was to begin with, all I know is I didn’t do what I originally intended to. It’s ok to adjust, I love love love posting about life and style. LOVE. But I have forsaken my voice a bit, and have chosen to only do what is convenient at the time- which is usually NOT writing.

I don’t even think I am going to proof read this post. One, I don’t have time to, but Two, sometimes word vomiting is better than a well articulated entry with a beautifully formatted beginning middle and end.

To sum it up- 2018 was survival. A lot of “just make it through the day”…A LOT of distraction from my inner world… definitely A LOT of sweet memories with my babies and some super fun travel experiences. It was laced with a lot of good things for sure. But when I think of the overarching feeling when reflecting on the year, I think of the word survival.

My deepest hope is that in 2019, I can get out of that place or at least start digging a path towards whatever it looks like to thrive. Oh shoot, here comes the word play.

It’s hard to thrive when you’re just trying to survive.

Yep. So accurate, and just so happens to rhyme. The most important thing for me in 2019 is going to be Self-care and mental health. Please don’t freak out, a lot of people walk around day to day acting like all is well when they are or should be diagnosed with Clinical Depression. I am a pretty high functioning depressed person. Depression is SO complex and consists of so many factors and so many parts of depression don’t make sense- it’s frustrating. But it’s real. And it has taken a lot from me. It sucks.

I don’t want it anymore. So what would I like to reflect on come Dec. 31, 2019? The story of my overcoming process. I want to have a look back and feel empowered and proud of myself for staying on the journey from surviving to thriving. Does anyone else relate to this? I would love to connect with you if you do. Depression makes you want to sink back and isolate yourself from everyone, but a huge part of healing is knowing others are out there that feel the same and you are not alone.

I am so looking forward to this next year. Lots of feels about it all. The biggest battle of my depression has been the lack of hope I feel in a lot of areas of my life. When hope is deferred it makes the heart grow sick. At least that is what Jesus says in the Psalms. I have, however, noticed tiny glimmers of hope peaking up when I think of the new year. I really want this to be my year. A year that brings back the joy of my beautiful and incredibly blessed life. A year of thriving.