IF I'M HONEST. One of the most used phrases. It's usually used prior to saying a very strongly opinionated comment or it's used as somewhat of a warning phrase to set up your next sentence as important to hear. Sometimes it's something funny, sometimes it's controversial, sometimes it's even a bit offensive depending on who is on the other side of the conversation. All this to say, I chose this phrase as a title to my first blog post for a reason. I am definitely striving to be nothing but honest in everything written here. I promised myself that this blog would be a true expression of my real self. Well, the realest self I know as of now. I am continuing to get to know "me" as I continue the climb out of the rubble that's progressively buried me over a lifetime of identity confusion. That's another story for another time. I am a wife to an amazing man, Drew. A mommy to three healthy and beautiful babies, and a wanna-be tv show host, pop star, and professional latin dancer. I missed out on a few of those callings, so I guess where I am at now will have to do.
Since I am claiming that this blog will be nothing but honest and authentic, I must be real about what is currently happening in this moment. I am sitting at a coffee shop two miles from my house typing my first blog post with one hand. My other hand is covering my face in disbelief that I am actually doing this. To continue on the truth train, I have judged mom bloggers in the past. As I sit here and admit to that, I realize that sometimes the root of judgement is jealousy. IF I'M HONEST, it's simply an "I want what you have/to do what you're doing but I don't have enough guts and too much self doubt and fear so I will just pretend like it's dumb" mentality. Well, I am so overwhelmed with all of the details I could fill you in on about how I got OVER being a judger and decided to get ON WITH being a blogger. I can just start with today's date. I waited until this date to launch my blog with great intention. October 1. I will ALWAYS REMEMBER this day for as long as I live. It's the day I found out I was pregnant with West. My third baby. My boy! This day was one of disbelief, fear, anger, and adrenaline all laced with mild excitement. Imagine all of these emotions as ingredients. One cup of disbelief, 1/3 cup of fear, 1/2 cup of anger, 2 tbsp of adrenaline, and 1/2 of 1/4 of excitement. I was 98.9% sure I was done having kids because I truly believed that I "couldn't handle" any more of them. I had postpartum depression with both of my girls and it was scary, sad and REALLY REALLY HARD to get through. Motherhood was not something I eased into from the beginning, it has taken blood, sweat and tears for me to fight myself back into being a "normal" [feeling] person. So, as I am sitting in my bathroom looking at a positive pregnancy test, My 11 month old daughter is just waking up from her afternoon nap. I had just weaned myself off of my anti-anxiety medication and was seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I was finally able to say "I have two toddlers." I was finally able to throw away the bottles and sell off my infant car seat. I just had that "goal" set that I would be able to handle life with two kids better once Sutton reached one.
I suddenly felt like someone kicked me off the side of the mountain that I just spent years climbing and told me to start over with even MORE luggage on my back. This strong feeling took me on a downward spiral into a pretty deep depression where it was really difficult to be positive, hopeful or excited about this little seed growing inside of my uterus. Speaking of uterus, I had an IUD that was supposed to be residing there to keep all of this from happening in the first place. Well, it left. The only explanation of it being on the outside of my uterine wall was that it poked a hole upon insertion and wiggled its way out over the course of six months. Can I be honest? Don't mind if I do, that shit doesn't happen to many people. This brings us to the GOD factor. Why would he do this to me? Now, before I get too into this, I want to be sensitive to you. If you are someone who struggled getting pregnant or is currently struggling getting pregnant, please hear me. I told you I was going to be honest and this is simply MY reality. Everyone's reality has it's own challenges and tragedies. A challenge for me may not be one for you, and vis versa. Everyone's response to circumstances depends on their specific experiences of life. So please continue reading with that in mind, if you choose to continue reading at all.
Here's some insight into the dialogue that went on in my head as the reality of a third child settled in: I don't want to be pregnant again. I didn't choose this. Maybe I will miscarry, then I can get back to life as usual. I feel like a victim. Is this a sick joke? God? You know having babies has been the hardest and most painful experience for me and you're making me do it all over again. Wow. Some "good good father" you are. Now this is where A LOT of confusion sets in. Principles I have been taught about God for years are quickly being called into question, and certain "qualities" about him and "truths" I have heard aren't ringing true in my current circumstance. Que internal chaos and spiritual cardiac arrest. So maybe God isn't DOING this to me, but maybe he is, depends what theological stance one chooses to take. Theology aside, it's all happening no matter if God's hand is in it or not. I started blaming God for the hurt I was experiencing. The strongest overarching feeling was one of disregard. It was causing me so much inner turmoil and pain that I began to wither away spiritually. The confusion about God and his intention got unbearable, so I put our relationship on the shelf. It was too hard to see God in my pain. IF I'M HONEST, I am still figuring out what our relationship looks like one year later. Another post for another time.
To wrap this up in a big fat blue bow, West Crawford McClure was born June 1, 2017 and of course I fell deep in love yet again with another tiny half Drew/half me human. He is the sweetest and most precious little seventeen pound four month old I have ever met. I can't wait for him to go pro and buy me a house... because he is massive for his age in height and weight. Almost off the charts. I love everything about my sweet boy. But I digress.
IF I'M HONEST, I had really high hopes that he would be my redemption baby in terms of the newborn phase. I have had terrible newborn seasons. Cambelle was colic and Sutton had reflux. So, I felt that God owed me a sweet and easy newborn baby at this point, don't you think? Given my situation. It's only fair. Right? One that barely cried, nursed like a pro, and slept through the night at 6 weeks. mmmk. WRONG. West had silent reflux possibly even worse than Sutton. I about fell off the rails this summer in my postpartum depression along with physical, mental and emotional exhaustion. I turned on my survival instincts, numbed up my heart towards God and muscled through the 100 degree days with no school, no swimming pool and 3 kids under 4. I'm a summer of 2017 survivor now. I deserve a medal... and a margarita. School finally started back for my girls and we finally found a medication that was able to regulate West's reflux. During this crazy time, I felt like if I didn't get an outlet, well, I would die. Call me dramatic, seriously. You can because I was. I wanted so badly to have a connection with the outside world. I started following mom and beauty bloggers to feel a sense of camaraderie. I found myself relating SO MUCH to a lot of these women whether it be a bad day with the kids or sharing the same love for the newest Tarte cosmetics concealer. I also found myself wanting to share snippets of my day to day life as my outlet. I started utilizing instagram as a place for output and with that came a weird amount of response. I have had a good bit of people follow my stories and made a point to tell me how much they enjoy following me. So I took that into consideration. I thought about what to do with that feedback and randomly decided to buy a domain name just incase I could get over the embarrassment of possibly jumping on the blog bandwagon. I want to write more about my life. I have always liked writing. I want to share more about myself and also bring you with me on my journey of discovery. I want to tell you about my favorite things, what I love and what I don't love. I want to be funny and light hearted but also serious and heart-felt when the mood hits. IF I'M HONEST, this is basically an online diary without the cute heart locket on the outside.
So, that's all I have to say about that. If one person reads my blog and can relate to my real life stories and struggles, that is a win. If one person visits this website just to see the lipgloss that I use on a daily basis, that is also a win. If you've made it this far, thanks for hanging in there. This post was a long one. Can we cheers?
RAISE YOUR COFFEE:
*To new adventures and taking risks along the way. It's about damn time.