LOOKING FOR A LIGHTHOUSE

Hi. This is such a knock off James Patterson book title. Just go with it. As I was thinking of my Postpartum depression experience, I saw it as a "scenario" that has been playing out for a few years. I was thinking, "how can I articulate how I am feeling to people?" Well, I think I got it. 

Me- lost at sea- looking desperately for a light that proves there is land a head. I AM in a boat, so I am surviving, but the trick is that I have zero assurance how long I will make it on this said boat in these conditions. Alone. Unfamiliar. Ill equipped. There are nights that are pitch black and silent, some stormy days, and actually some not so bad sunny days too, but all in all, it's secluded and straight up survival mode. At this point, I have learned how to function on this boat in a way that it has become a new normal lifestyle and over time, it becomes a this is "just how it is" situation. I have gotten very good at survival life and settled into this mode of acceptance of my circumstances. I have ended up making a suitable home in my little Postpartum canoe. As this happens, I stop LOOKING in the distance for a lighthouse and start LIVING in the belief that there just isn't one at all. Land is never coming, and I am stuck in this situation. Forever. How depressing, right? I know. It's very sad.. sorry to be a downer! But it's real stuff, and a lot of women go through this without ever having an outlet to express how they're really feeling. I really do feel like this analogy may ring true to for a lot of other moms out there. 

The GOOD NEWS IS... I am starting to see the glimmer, y'all. A small flickering glimmer of light. Usually when my youngest child hits 6 months old, I start to recover a bit and turn a corner in my mindset and the glimmer appears. I see that there is DEFINITELY land ahead, and it's exciting... but, wait for it... its also a bit terrifying. What? What do you mean terrifying? Oh, well, since you asked, in my opinion, I think it's very possible for us to get too comfortable in our depravity to take the plunge to seek change... I think it's super easy to use our depression as a crutch. It becomes an excuse for a lot of things along the way and when you're offered an "out", it brings to light the scariness of not being able to justify certain excuses, habits, or ways of being that you have developed along your oceanic voyage. Now I wouldn't bring this up if I didn't find myself guilty of doing this... I am 100% calling myself out that I have observed this in my own journey.  I realize that my Postpartum is very real and it EXPLAINS why I feel the way I feel and sometimes do the things I do.. etc, but it can't continue being an EXCUSE, especially now that I see the evidence of land ahead.

So what is the point of all of my metaphorical banter? I am just processing my next steps with you guys. As I see the lighthouse, I am waking up to life again. The overwhelming possibilities and potentials of what life looks like for me as a healthy person. A healthy person, a strong and empowered woman, wife and mom to the ones that need me to be healthy, growing and rowing my butt off to reach this so called land. Does anyone relate to this at all? Whoever is reading this, I am not sure what you're "lost at sea" scenario might be, but it's super translatable to all kinds of situations. Where are you in your voyage at sea? If you see a light, are you avoiding moving towards it due to fear? I will say, I am mostly excited about my new life wherever this boat drops me off. Not sure what kind of land I am looking at. It will most definitely be different terrain than where I came from. Kids change everything. But as I am nearing the 6 month mark of my last baby, the glimmer is there and so now I can start to navigate again. I have a direction to head, and it's towards land. 

xo-Caro